Dear You:

I know why I'm living in the past. I'm going to become someone who feels worthy of being with you again. I'm going to need lots of help, since my self-motivation ability isn't as strong as it should be, but together, we can do anything, remember?

I miss you, but I'm going to fix it. You and me and God, we can make it better.

Love, Me
 

I am thankful for:

• God.
  
• life.
  
• sunshine.
  
• things that spark my imagination and lead me to deeper ponderings on what life is all about.
  
• my own place to live.
  
• a job, at a time when many others are desperate for the same.
  
• a family that loves me and invites me to Thanksgiving luncheons.
  
• a new little cousin from Russia, who didn't have any family but now has a very large and loud one. May she grow up good and loved.
  
• music that brings me into the moment.
  
• memories that remind me of the person who I wanted to be when I was little.
  
• a Church that tries its best, even if it misses the mark sometimes.
  
• flowers that return to bloom, even after I have nearly killed them with my lack of gardening skill.

Will add more later; time to go now.

~DF
 

"What each of us craves is that mystical moment in which our amazement at all that stands beyond us unites in passionate embrace with our fear of all that is still lacking within us."

Alright, someone save me; I am now staring at an Amazon page in serious consideration of purchasing a book called Finding God in a Galaxy Far, Far Away: A Spiritual Exploration of the Star Wars Saga, by Timothy Paul Jones, which contains the above quote.

Those are the two sides of awe, though, aren't they? The inspiring feeling that something great exists in the world, coupled with the humbling feeling that I myself am not nearly as great as this thing at which I am amazed, perhaps so much as to render me unworthy of even being awed at it.

I observe that humans are definitely drawn toward this dual inspiration/humility; why else would we do things like watch sunsets or skydive or contemplate religion or travel thousands of miles to see the great pyramids or the Grand Canyon? It seems that we are drawn toward awareness of our own smallness in the recognition of greatness. Why is this? People like having power, prestige, and control; why, when faced with magnificence, do we take pleasure in proffering submission?

(Who can identify the quote in the subject?)

~DigiFaith
 

Qui-Gon + Anakin = I didn't even know I had a maternal instinct. ;_;

...XD I thought Qui-Gon sounded familiar. He's the voice of Aslan in the new Narnia movies. ♥

Alright, I thought that was pretty good. Although that may have been because I was blinded by the awesomeness that is Qui-Gon.

I have more thoughts, but I need to sleep now.

"We want them to win, they're our heroes, and so we need to be there with them."

^ Some guy just said that on the special features that I'm not really paying attention to, but it caught my attention.

~DF
 

I has popcorn and The Phantom Menace. :3
 

My greatest fear is being useless. I have a strong need to feel like I'm earning my place in society, like my presence is having a net positive effect on the world. If I'm not being helpful to someone else, then what's the point of my being here?

I feel useless when I fail to accomplish the things that I want to accomplish. If I can't set out to do something and then actually do it, how can I possibly be useful and/or worthy?

My parents used to tell me that they were proud of how I pursued and achieved the things that I wanted to achieve, but it turns out that the only reason why I was able to do that was because I have a need to fulfill other people's expectations. The small bit of self-discipline that I used to have, I had because I had practice at forcing myself to study for tests and complete homework on time. Now that I have no due dates or report cards to answer to, I have no more opportunity to practice discipline, so I don't have the discipline to make myself do the things I want. I think C.S. Lewis points that out in The Horse and His Boy: one of the consequences of being forced to work for so long is that you lose the power to force yourself. I can no longer make myself work at writing or any other personal projects; if I don't feel like doing it, it's too easy to push it away and say "I'll deal with it later."

So I need to feel useful to feel good about myself, I need to accomplish things to feel useful, I need to have energy and motivation to accomplish things, and I need to feel good about myself in order to have energy. The merry-go-round is already spinning; where's the point in this cycle at which I can jump on the ride?

This entry needs something positive. Jon Stewart's Sarah Palin impression is amusing. Also, I wonder if he practices those facial expressions in front of a mirror. Also, it's almost time for Christmas season to start.

~DF
 

...Aww, Jon has hat hair. ♥

Do you like to pay attention to the weather? My mom makes fun of my dad because she says he wants to be a meteorologist when he retires, but I think weather is fascinating. Here is this thing that happens on such a large scale all around us and affects our daily lives, and it happens in predictable patterns by observable causes; how can you not be interested in it?

Like today. We've had rain in the area for the past two days or so, but it's being weird: yesterday it was moving northwest, instead of east with the jet stream, and today it's headed due north. I thought that was strange, until I realized that we have a hurricane remnant coming through from the Carolinas and Virginia; and then I was amazed that hurricanes are strong enough to force air masses against the jet stream. That's pretty cool.

Nintendogs should not be this fascinating.

Yawn. Early meeting at work tomrrow; bedtime now.

~DF
 

8:59pm.

...Damn. That scene at the end of my 2007 NaNo is really good. I don't know if I can still write that well.

...I guess there's only one way to find out.

--

9:14pm.

I think you can tell a lot about a writer by examining their characters, even the non-Mary-Sue ones. I wonder what my relationships to my characters say about me.

#1 easiest/most natural character to write: Pegasus. ...Hmm.

#2 easiest/most natural character to write: Yuugi and Yami, interacting with each other. This one, at least, I understand. Sort of.

#3 easiest/most natural character to write: Mokuba. Because he's awesome.

It's too bad none of these three are my mains. >_>

--

10:10pm.

Alright, this part that I'm trying to revise isn't as bad as I for some reason had thought it was. Maybe it's not time to give up on this NaNo just yet.

~DF
 

The Wizard of Oz is on TBS. I felt rather like the Cowardly Lion this weekend. I swear that damn house was haunted. I hardly slept at all. D<

I am ded. And I have apple butter. And cream cheese fudge. But mostly am ded. x_x

"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable."
~ the Wizard, The Wizard of Oz
 

"Niels Bohr, the doyen of modern physicists, often told a story about a horseshoe he kept over his country home in Tisvilde, Denmark. When asked whether he really thought it would bring good luck, he replied, 'Of course not, but I'm told it works even if you don't believe in it.'"
~ "Large Hadron Collider: Damaged by a Time-Traveling Bird?", Time Magazine

I like this. *thumbs-up*

And for the record, I am 100% behind the theory that the future is sabotaging the LHC.

~DF
 

I'm not sick! :DD I was expecting to feel like poo when I woke up this morning, but I woke up and my throat didn't hurt and I could breathe fine and I closed my eyes and was like, "Ahhhhh..." Cold averted.

Fox News phail. You know, beyond all the "haha, look at the idiots" face value that this provides: seriously, people? How long is Fox News going to retain a sizable audience that actually believes that it has credibility? The point of watching the news isn't to listen to biased talking heads spin the truth so that it fits comfortably with your worldview. The point of watching the news is to see the world as it is and allow it to challenge your worldview, so that you can expand that worldview, become more knowledgable, and revise any misconceptions that you have. In fact, I think that's part of the definition of maturity, right there.

Back to writing now.

~DigiFaith
 

Sometimes, I feel just like Jon in Garfield Minus Garfield:



--



--


( There are so many good ones! )

My immune system has left for parts unknown. I'm coming down with a cold again. >_>' This is the third time in maybe two months. wtf, self.

Hmm. I was just trying to decide whether or not to do something, and all of a sudden, I thought, "What if I never get another chance?" That sort of made the decision for me. It's a good question to keep in mind, I guess. What if you never get another chance?

~DF
 

:OOO I almost forgot!

Happy D-M'S Day!!!

I can't remember how many years it is, so we'll go with "D-M's Day".

I feel like I should have baked a cake, or something. Maybe a cupcake. I have birthday candles, and everything.
 

uptoeing wins the Icon of the Day award:


So through a bit of serendipitous Googling, I have discovered that my most favorite voice actor in the world did Kristoph's voice in the Japanese GS4 trailer. Not the game, just the trailer. This should not be.

I was driving home last night, and I was almost to my apartment when all of a sudden there was a deer just a few feet from the road, staring at me. First deer I've seen around here.

I still have to write tonight. >_>
 

Three in the morning
And I'm still awake
So I picked up a pen and a page
And I started writing
Just what I'd say
If we were face to face

I'd tell you just what you mean to me
I'd tell you these simple truths

Be strong in the Lord and
Never give up hope
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got His hand on you so
Don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say

Last time we spoke
You said you were hurting
And I felt your pain in my heart
I want to tell you
That I keep on praying
Love will find you where you are

I know cause I've already been there
So please hear these simple truths

From one simple life to another
I will say
Come find peace in the Father

Be strong in the Lord and
Never give up hope
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got His hand on you so
Don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
Thank God for each day
His love will find a way
These are the words I would say

~Sidewalk Prophets, "The Words I Would Say"
 

After observing my penchant for reading, my boss has lent me his copy of Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol. I'm about a third of the way through; the plot is enjoyable, but my goodness, Langdon is the Sue-iest Sue that ever did Sue. >_> And I thought I had a high Sue tolerance level. Langdon needs to take all of his super special awesome sekrit knowledge and walk off a cliff and let the story continue to be interesting.

Hmm. I am currently at 2628 words. I'm supposed to be at 4000 by the end of the night. ...I feel burdened to confess that before this November started, I decided to lower my word count goal to 30,000, because free time is not as abundant a resource as it was back in college, and I'd rather reach a lowered goal than not reach a goal at all. Plus, I'm going to be out of town for a weekend, and I really don't want to scramble to catch back up when I return. Maybe in the next year or two I'll work back up to doing a full NaNoWriMo; it'd be nice to do again when I find where all my motivation ran off to post-graduation.

I've been pretty conflicted about this lowered goal thing. On the one hand, it feels a lot like giving in; on the other hand, it's giving me more freedom to actually make my writing good (despite the NaNoWriMo mantra, I've never bought in to any form of "quantity over quality"; if it's worth doing, it's worth doing well) and I'm not giving myself more stress than I'm currently equipped to handle. On the other other hand, I wonder if this is nothing more than a fear of failure taking over. Easier to lower a goal than to acknowledge that missing a goal is okay. So am I not giving it my best try (bad thing), or am I merely being realistic and accepting my own present limitations and allowing myself to work within them (good thing)?

Alright, it's past midnight, and I'm sitting at 3043. Good enough, considering that I worked through that one tough part and came up with a plan for at least my next few day's worth. Also considering that I'm about to fall asleep where I lie.

~DigiFaith
 

Damn. I have belatedly realized that I don't actually care about any of my characters. This throws a rather large wrench in the whole process. NaNoWriMo, with the Wrench, in the Ball Room. Luckily it's not too late to switch back to my epically ongoing story with the characters who I actually do care about.

How am I ever going to start writing my own stuff if characters have to be well-defined before I can start caring about them? As it is, I'm limited to either using other people's characters or just inserting myself or someone I know.

I guess I still want to work on the other story, too. Maybe I can care about the characters as I write them more. I'll ride on the momentum of my ongoing story, and I'll devote the last few hundred words of each day to the new novel. That's probably breaking a rule, but rules are much less important than novels.

~DF
 

I think I like taking pictures more than I like actually doing anything with the pictures I've taken. o_o

If you ever get a chance to visit Mackinac (pronounced mack-ih-naw) Island in Michigan, make sure you take it; it's a beautiful place, especially in August when we were there.

( Sixty-three large images; about 8MB total. )

My eye has been weird lately, so I went to the doctor today, and apparently I must have scratched it at some point, and it has become infected. I have eye drops, but I can't wear my contact for a while, so I'm wearing just one contact now. Hopefully in a few days it will stop burning and I can stop blinding it with this bandana when it starts to get hard to read. :(

NaNo is go. I have 508 words. This is going to be interesting.

Do you enjoy finding new, creative, and potentially self-harming ways to beat the system?

~DigiFaith

* When we were little, my family vacationed on Hilton Head Island every summer, which is a good twelve hours by car from Cincinnati. Me and Brian and Kevin would always pack bags of things, usually books and drawing supplies and car games, to amuse ourselves in the car. Ben, who was about five or six on our last few trips, always packed a bag full of large dinosaur action figures, something that's rather cumbersome to play with in the backseat of a car. He would proceed to get bored in about fifteen minutes and ask to color in someone else's coloring book. I was at Wal-mart getting supplies for this trip, and I found a $1 plastic dinosaur and bought it, and presented it to him when I got in the car with the admonition to keep himself amused. He did so.
 

I have 9 words. 8|
 

Today was an adventure! First, I was wandering around the intarweb and I ran across Cooking for Engineers, a site for those who view cooking as more of a science than an art (and whose creator "regrets that the name can be misread (when in a rush) to be 'Cooking Foreigners,'" according to the About page). After some poking, I found a recipe for a very tasty-looking baked cinnamon apple. I like apples, and I like cinnamon, and I like baking, so this seemed a rather suitable activity. I then observed that it was a perfect temperature to eat a warm baked apple outside, so I finished my dinner and wrapped my apple in foil and a protective towel and went to the park by my house. ...Apartment. My apartment. >_>

The place was deserted, because of the weather and Halloween, I guess, so I walked around and sat by the lake and decided that if my apple tasted half as good as it smelled, it would be a success. It was a success, and the sun was just setting so I climbed up the very unnatural large hill (whose purpose I have yet to ascertain) in the middle of the park and watched it for quite a long time. It was pretty, and I had a clear view of the horizon, and there were some clouds and a cloud ridge over my head and I could see flashing lights of radio towers in the distance* and light streaming down through the clouds somewhere off in the distance where the sun hadn't set yet.

And then I went to the Greene, because it was pretty dark and you need light to write. I hung out for a while and did more planning, and I was looking out the window when all of a sudden I saw a familiar figure reflected in the glass. I turned around and saw Darth Vader coming up the stairs, followed closely by Han. Vader had his lightsaber and proceeded to wield it against a stack of poor defenseless R2s and then moved on to browse the cooking section.

Then I happened to see the first Yuugiou R manga! I forgot all about that mini-series! I never read the fan translations, but I got the book anyway; hope it's good. And the guy at the checkout saw my NaNo shirt and said he's doing it too, for the first year. Good luck, Books & Co. checkout guy. \o/

In the meantime, here is one more of the (admittedly few) good potential uses for Twitter.

Hmm. Bedtime.

~DigiFaith

* Gramma told me a story about when she and Grampa were dating (I think), and they were out for a walk one evening, and they saw a radio tower with a blinking light at the top. Gramma asked Grampa what the light was for, and he said, "To make sure that planes see the tower and don't hit it." Then she asked what the tower was for, and he said, "To hold up the light!"